Hold Back the Stars by Katie Khan

Author:Katie Khan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Transworld
Published: 2017-01-26T05:00:00+00:00

They had sat in the same room, on the same wicker chair and sofa, the faint roar of the ocean audible through the thick glazing of the balcony window. ‘I’ve thought about it,’ she’d said, ‘and I’m not taking you back.’

‘What?’

‘We’re not getting back together.’

‘Why?’

‘I’m not having you bail every time it gets difficult.’

‘I won’t,’ he said, indignant.

Carys arched an eyebrow. ‘It got difficult, and you were off. First sign of trouble.’

‘But I came back the minute I had the faintest clue you were in trouble. That’s got to count for something?’

She swirled the coffee in her mug, holding the warm porcelain against her chin until all she could smell was Costa Rican beans, the steam creeping up over her features like a mask. ‘No. I’m sorry. It’s a nice gesture, like your carrot cake, but no.’

That fucking carrot cake. ‘What, then?’

‘We have such different outlooks, Max,’ she said. ‘Clashing outlooks, perhaps. When you ended it you said, “Maybe it’s better this way.” You were relieved.’

He nodded slowly.

‘You still think we’re too young. You still think relationships only work when we’re older.’

He nodded again.

‘You think couples make better parents when they’re older.’

He hesitated, then nodded a third time.

‘You believe,’ she concluded, ‘fundamentally in the individual.’ She made a face.

‘It’s the way I was raised, Cari,’ Max said, with desperation. ‘It’s everything I’ve been raised to believe.’

‘Not me. I know how I feel about you and I was ready to tell the world. But you can’t even bring yourself to tell your parents about me.’

‘They wouldn’t understand.’

‘Okay,’ she said simply. ‘Well, I don’t understand. And you made your position quite clear on your birthday.’

His face was crestfallen. ‘But … I don’t want not to be with you. I want to be with you.’

He looked so upset that Carys avoided being petty and telling him he should have thought about that in the first place, and instead held firm. ‘No, Max. Anyway, what kind of woman would I be if I let you straight back in right after you dumped me?’

‘A happy one?’ he said, with hope, but she shook her head ruefully.

‘Come on. I don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship that’s making us both miserable, as well as going against your principles.’

‘Wait. You said, what kind of woman would you be if you let me straight back in. Does that mean you might let me back in eventually?’

‘Did I? That’s not what I meant—’

‘Is this a game? Are you trying to make me feel guilty? Because, believe me, I feel guilty, Carys. Coming back, seeing you in pain …’

‘It’s not a game,’ she whispered. ‘But I don’t believe you’ll go against what you believe, long-term, simply to be with me.’

‘What would I have to do to make you have faith?’

She thought about it. ‘I don’t know. Something big.’

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